Listening Blocks
Have you ever played a game of Jenga? You have to pull blocks from a stack without the entire pile falling over. You have to be patient and use logic plus guess work to find the right piece to pull out. There are times you think you found the right piece, but you quickly realize it wasn’t the right one. This happens to new people at the game and even people who played the game their entire lives.
Communication can feel like playing Jenga. You feel like you are guessing at the right block to pull at, but then are told that was wrong. It can make you feel frustrated and helpless, because you tried to analyze the stack the right way, but chose incorrectly. Maybe you’ve been told one of these statements: you aren’t listening, you don’t understand me, you are being defensive, that’s not what I said, fine you are right, you always make this about you." Or, maybe you’ve been the one to tell someone those statements. The reason for communication to feel exhausting at times and like we are always getting it wrong, is because listening blocks are acting as barriers.
Mind Reading - Making an assumption on what the speaker is going to say next.
Rehearsing - Thinking and preparing for your response while the other person is speaking.
Filtering - Focusing on parts of what the speaker is saying that only fit your narrative and disregarding negative comments.
Judging - Judging the speaker on what they are saying leading to dismissal.
Dreaming - Letting your attention wander off.
Advising - Problem-solving rather than understanding and validating.
Sparring - Focusing on things you disagree with to debate and argue.
Being Right - You will stand by your stance to avoid being wrong at all costs.
Derailing - Changing the subject because you are uncomfortable or don’t like what is being said.
Placating - Saying “you’re right” just to move on from the discussion.
These blocks to listening are derived from a maladaptive place by the speaker. Maybe they placate because they are afraid of disagreement and tension. Maybe they advise because they are intellectualizers. Regardless of which block to listening you use, it prevents you from listening to understand. This leads to feeling like you keep doing the wrong thing because in your mind you are helping solve the problem or you are falling on the sword for the sake of the evening or you are focusing just on the positive and not negatives or you are changing the subject to save the conversation. All of these thoughts and behaviors are of good intention; however, can leave the speaker feeling misunderstood and dismissed.
If this resonates with you, then there is good news. You can break this cycle and start to practice listening to understand.