Four Horsemen
The Gottman’s talk about the four horsemen of the apocalypse in marriages. That these horsemen can be dangerous to cultivating positive interactions and prohibit one’s ability to resolve conflict healthily.
Defensiveness. A common reaction that almost everyone has experienced at some point in their lives. It feels natural at times to defend our side, and we see it as an explanation or clarification; however, referring back to the blocks to listening, we defend when we are not listening to understand. Defensiveness is born out of protection and/or deflection. Maybe past trauma has caused you to build a wall in conflict. Maybe the truth being presented is hard to hear. Maybe you have been criticized so much already.
Stonewalling. A refusal to communicate or participate in a discussion. This is often used after feeling criticized or attacked or not heard by a significant other. The Gottman’s found that males are more likely to use stonewalling, albeit because they have been criticized repeatedly, leading to them withdrawing and shutting down.
Criticism. Comments made toward your significant other that are derogatory and aimed to point a finger at them. This is another common reaction seen in conflict that we often do not even realize we are doing. We think we are explaining the situation rather than criticizing our significant other.
Contempt. The most dangerous out of all the horsemen. This is when partners are disgusted and angry. When contempt creeps its ugly head into a relationship, it can lead to a quick downfall where couples do not care anymore. Contempt is the only horseman that a relationship cannot learn to function with the existence of.
Do you resonate with any of these reactions? Maybe you notice that your partner has some of these reactions? The good news, is that is normal. You are both human. You can learn to prevent these horsemen from controlling your relationship through awareness and practice.